My name is Maria (this is my stage name since i'm a little internet shy). I'm a 21 year old student from Scotland.
This is the point where I should tell you all the things that make me an interesting, vibrant young person and that make me....well....me.
Sadly, I feel I have lost my passion, my way, my focus in life. I feel I have become consumed by what I would say is intense body image issues and a disordered relationship with food. I feel that this has held me back over the years and has made me lose touch with myself all they way down to basic things like my hungers signals and what I actually like to eat. I've lost weight, gained weight, you know the story. I've been stupid, sensible and just lazy. I've neglected my health and yet become obseessed with it at different points in my life. I've never found balance. I've never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but i'm smart enough to know that my relationship with food is not normal and not healthy.
I have become so exhausted recently with counting calories, carbs, fat grams, glasses of water drunk, minutes of exercise...i'm sure there are many out there who can relate. I am completely burnt out. I am sick of my thoughts being consumed with dieting and exercise and my weight. I need a break. I need to find balance. I need to learn how to accept myself and how to be normal around food. I need to learn how to enjoy exercise but not overexercise. I need to learn how to get my priorities right in life. I need to learn how to enjoy my food and not immediately feel that i've gained weight. I need to learn that being skinny, fat, normal does not determine what you are worth. It's going to be hard. And sometimes I wonder if i'll ever make it but I need to stop all this. I need to get better. So i'm here to try and recover, to try to live normally, to stop making lists of things I can eat and can't, to stop obsessing over skinny celebritites. It makes me tired, unhappy and withdrawn. It makes me lose myself. It stops me from going to things incase there is food there or incase I look fat in pictures. It's ridiculous I know, but it's been part of my life for so long.
I hope that by plotting my progress here I might get advise from others who have been through the same, I might get inspiration from other bloggers out there, and there might be people that will find my blog inspiring and useful in their own journey.